Please do not attempt intervention.

Slurpees and I go back a long way. Before I ever thought of archaeology or grad school, before I noticed boys, before I had a dog, there were slurpees. I drank slurpees long before there were spoon-straws. I know how to maintain the proper moisture to the bottom of the cup. I remember when the cups were waxed paper and you could carve the wax off the outside with your fingernails, and if you stirred too hard you'd get little flakes of it in the slush...

And the United States wanted to take that all away from me with their dry, sub-standard, air-injected facsimiles... Sure, there are Slush Puppies, Icees, and $4 fruit granitas to be had, but these all lack the homogenous syrupy quality of a good 7-11 slurpee.

And now, I have reproduced that goodness in my own labora... I mean, kitchen. Using a new, inexpensive ice-cream maker (that I haven't really figured out ice-cream with, yet) I just produced a beautifully smooth, delicious orange slush in FIVE MINUTES. Today I embark on my mission to experiment with all possible flavours. You are all welcome to submit ideas, and I may post reviews and pictures of the best results.

I may make it through grad-school after all.